And the times they are a’changing

Skimmed back over my last few posts this morning only to realise that almost none of it applies any more.

Out: France

In: Granada. At least, that’s the vague plan.

Out: Going back to Australia

In: Staying on the road

Out: The CW leaving home

In: Her flying back to Europe

Out: Worrying about anything

In: Cruising

As always, plenty of other stuff has happened but I am always torn between my need to blog and my respect for privacy (mine and other peoples). So… Updates later, for now back to the office and the booking sites. Where to next, kids?

Gmail is my homeboy

Just when I thought it couldn’t get any better … Remember, I’m talking about Gmail here, not that odd and slightly suspect Buzz deal…

A caution pops up when you hit send. It’s actually useful! It actually knows the stupid thing I always do! Gmail, thanks for caring.

The Four Stages of Grief: Two – Anger

These are the days of the futile and directionless fury.

Enraged with everything and nothing, in bouts that are cyclonic in force. The impotent growling and pulling of hair (one’s own so far, innocent bystanders attend at their own risk).

These are the days of the unnoticed mucus that the loved one must wipe away… Grief is ugly, life just aint the movies.

These are the days of the frustrated wailing that life isn’t fair. Never a truer complaint, and never a more useless sentiment uttered. These are the days when the support network begins to pull away – the initial shock has worn off, and those who really care are immersed in their own private torment, while those who don’t care so much begin to drift back to the humdrum of daily life.

These are the days of useless rage…

The Four Stages of Grief: One – Denial

It just isn’t real until you see it on the news.It isn’t real until the report is filed. It isn’t real until you see the body, or …

It simply isn’t real, yet.

Life goes on, with the strange and inappropriate jokes; the Teflon-Brain (when nothing can hold the attention); the messing around on Facebook as if nothing has happened; the confused and confusing phone calls with the others who knew them, even if you have never been friends before; the hovering sense of waiting – as if you’ve left the house without switching off the iron.

The self-delusion, particularly the absurd feeling that sleep will bring the cure. To wake up and realise that it’s all been a particularly vivid and unpleasant dream. A trite, cliched, and yet profoundly apt description.

The padded sense of puzzlement, and the absolute absence of attention to anything important, or even unimportant. Work, routine, forgetting where you put the book that was in your hand a moment ago. The feeling of lobotomisation.

These are the days of the automaton. The days of the stupid mistakes. And the stupid questions: ‘Why’ being the most ridiculous. The days of absently wandering from room to room, or not remembering how you ended up at the corner store. These are the dream days.

Stage One.

Joint Venture: Christ and the Twilight Saga

In either the weirdest case of piggy-backing ever, or a canny move by the Church to get more hip…

The Twilight Saga through a biblical lens, with themes of sexual abstinence before marriage and the return of the young ‘uns to romance before instant gratification in this modern-day world of depravity, godlessness etc etc etc. As Twilight Saga author Stephanie Meyers is a Mormon, I can’t help wondering if she ghost-wrote this book? Does the church even believe in ghosts? Or is giving the thumbs-up to the undead enough of a stretch for one year?

The Church is Now Backing the Undead?

My copy hasn’t arrived yet, but I’m looking forward to hearing how they tackle the morality of a 107 year-old man hooking up with a minor. Also can’t wait to hear how they deal with the fact that Bella is foaming at the mouth to get said geriatric into bed – it is really only one of them who is promoting abstinence. Now that I think about it, I’m not even sure the Edward character is promoting abstinence… he’s just not into necrophilia and if he accidentally bites/eats/kills his girlfriend during sex… well, you see where this is going.

Lastly, if they should happen to address the way the 107 year-old undead guy sneaks into the minor’s room to watch her sleep before they even get together – I’ll be all ears. We used to call this stalking, but that is so 1918. Just ask the undead geriatric.

Hurrah for the return to romance!

Those Perfect Gigs

Not a long post, or an informative one. Just a quick “Thanks, Universe.”

Every once in a while, a writing gig comes along that just works. The topic is perfect, the client is wonderful, there is a personal and professional (synergy – I hate that word, but it really does fit) meld that sparks new ideas and generally has the earmarks of being The Real Thing.

One of those has come along. A grand day at the office, no doubt about it.

For anyone interested, I will post links to the work once published, and as soon as confidentiality stuff is sorted out.

For now, as well as a “Nice One” to the universe, a more practical shout-out should go to Freelance Writing Gigs. This is one of my all-time favourite writing blogs, and is where the project brief of The Perfect Gig was posted.

The Rest of the Day She Left – Part 2

Technically it’s the day after…

Fell asleep for a while and woke up at 4am to 7 missed calls from private numbers. Naturally freaked out. And, naturally, everything was fine.

There was an email from her – from Singapore, between flights. Apart from the personal stuff, the best line was:

“i got upgraded to FIRST CLASS an hour before landing,i dont understand it,yeah u get a plasma tv and a huuge couch with plastic wood cup holders,but thats it…but the view,the sun was rising over the ripples of grey and white clouds,if i belived in heaven thats what it would look like…its looked like an ocean,but better.”

So I suppose the lessons are:
- It’s not worth the money to buy a first-class ticket
- She doesn’t need to believe in heaven. She’s it.
- Sunrise from a plane is cool
- Be grateful that in the last 15 minutes before your baby gets on another plane, she’s emailing her mum instead of Facebooking.
- Be grateful you can still remember the smell of her cheek
- Life goes on

The Rest of the Day She Left – Part 1

With three strong drinks under my belt…

And borderline-manic bouts of housework…

I can write. Almost.

It’s Tuesday afternoon and the last sleep I had was Sunday night. That’s about the right edge of space to be able to come close to truth.

Promised her I wouldn’t cry at the airport. And I didn’t. And I still haven’t – really. I did walk blindly through the airport after leaving her… Leaking, rather than crying.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know where to go or who to talk to. I am lost.

Watched her… after we had said goodbye. There was some difficulty with the x-ray of her hand luggage. Something small. Just as I had hoped, and dreaded, she handled it well. It was the final confirmation of my suspicions, and my ambitions. She is better – more confident, more able, more decisive and natural – when she is not near me.

So that is the death knell to her childhood. When your very presence changes the demeanour of your child – when it stifles, edits and stunts it – it is time to let go. This is a Schrodinger’s Cat moment, in a mundane setting.

And now she is gone. Ironically to a place where she can be younger, and rightfully less capable. Where her routines, rights and responsibilities will be in line with those of other kids her age. She needs it. It is a good thing.

But jesus I miss her already.

The Long Haul Flight from the Empty Nest

It’s 4.30am here in Spain.

The kid is finishing the last of her packing and I am procrastinating before I call a cab.

This is the first day of my adult life without being a full-time parent. Last night may have been the last we ever have in our shared home. Maybe, perhaps, possibly…. This is a day when those kind of qualifiers don’t hold the same bliss as usual.

Well, as the Beatles say: She’s leaving home. And one thing is definite. When I get back to the keyboard this afternoon, my universe will have shifted – just a fraction of a degree to the left. Not the left behind. Just left.

Pet Peeves of Freelance Job Ads

Most of my freelance writing work comes from Job Boards.

I don’t do the networking thing, so I read posted ads from potential clients and submit proposals.

After reading thousands of these things, there are a few phrases that keep coming up, and frankly they annoy the crap out of me. So this is something of an open letter to all potential web content clients. It’s mostly tongue-in-cheek but as Stephen King says “Humour is just anger with its make-up on.”

High Quality Articles By Native English Speakers – $2.50 per 500 words

This one is a beauty. I live in Europe, and $2.50 won’t quite pay for the electricity needed to run my computer for the amount of time it takes to write a 500 word article. Let alone the coffee. Move the decimal point one place to the right and we’re getting closer to an actual budget.

Freelance Frustration

This is an easy job for someone who knows what they are doing

Translation: I have no idea if it’s an easy job or not, I just want to get out of paying market rates.

Alternative translation: If you have been doing this for so long that you have the skills to do it easily and quickly, I want to penalise you by trying to pay an hourly rate rather than a flat fee.

Everything is easy if you know what you are doing – including neurosurgery and defusing bombs. Remember the story of the mechanic who charged $10,000 for changing a single bolt in a complex machine? It took him two minutes and when the client questioned the bill, his reply was “It was $2 for the bolt and $9,998 for knowing where it was and why it needed changing.”

These take no more than 30 minutes to write

How can you possibly know how long it will take to write? And if you do, why are you hiring me?

No application will be considered without a (free) sample on the following topic…

This is like asking a builder to construct one free room before contracting him to build the rest of your house. Also, there are plenty of sharks out there who consistently list ads calling for ‘samples’ that are never paid for… And no writer gets a contract. A hundred ‘samples’ adds up to a lot of free content.Writers have portfolios of past work – there’s your selection of samples.

Please quote a bulk rate

They’re not plastic spoons, they’re articles. Whether I am writing three articles, or three hundred, they each take the same amount of time. There is no bulk rate – when you hire a freelancer you are already avoiding paying all of the associated costs of having an employee. Please stop being cheap.

Need Meta Data, Keyword Density of 2.5%, and uploading to WordPress

All for the same price of simply writing. Yes, these things are possible. No, they are not free. They take as long, if not longer, as writing the article – so be prepared to pay for my time.

All articles will be checked for plagiarism. Missed deadlines will result in termination of contract. Unlimited rewrites required. No deposits or up-front payments.

Way to establish an environment of trust and professionalism. No writer worth their salt is going to submit a proposal to a client like this. All the proposals will be from flakes, hacks, or con-men that either plagiarise or outsource to the Writing Sweatshops in developing economies. Dear Client, welcome to your self-fulfilling prophecy.

Fast turnaround required.

Everyone wants their project completed yesterday. But these things actually take time. Every writer is different, but to write a very basic web article (with no SEO extras) needs a workflow like this:

1 hour – Topic research. Even with plenty of experience in a particular niche, every writer needs to research.

0.5 hours – Outline and bullet points

1.5 hours – Writing

Overnight – let it ‘sit’

0.5 hours – Re-read, make notes

1 hour – Redraft

2 – 3 hours – Interviews and quote gathering (optional, depending on topic)

0.5 hours – Polish and send

This is the BARE minimum and assumes that the client likes the first draft and signs it off immediately.

So over two days, there are five hours of work in a single article, without including things like Creative Thought – yes, when we are staring into space, or pottering around in the garden, we are still writing your articles – it’s just happening in our heads.

May lead to ongoing work

Translation: Underbid so that I can dangle the carrot of possibly offering you more slave-wages down the track.

No proposal will be considered without a resume or CV

I work for myself. Do I ask you for your resume before I take you on as a client? This is not a job interview, it is a proposal from a business owner.We are professional equals, please drop the power trip.

All copyright remains with me, non-disclosure agreement to be signed, no portfolio rights. Please provide checkable testimonials and references.

The contradiction here is obvious. If every client refused the right of portfolio, there would be no checkable references. There is no shame or shadiness in hiring a ghost-writer. People do it all the time. It is still your article, your book, your web page. Trying to pretend that the ink flowed from your own personal pen… that’s the shady part.

Incidentally, International Work-For-Hire laws enshrine the right of portfolio to every freelancer. To include this clause in a brief is not only immoral, it’s illegal.

Lastly, unless an explicit copyright-transfer contract is signed, copyright remains with the writer and the client is only buying a limited license. Before jumping straight to the bullying, please check your facts. Here’s an idea – why not ask your writer about the intricacies of international licensing of IP? (Intellectual Property). We’re professionals too and will happily share our knowledge with you during negotiations to create a mutually beneficial project.

Write it however you want…

Translation: Until you actually submit it, and I hate it, and you have to write 50 articles when one would have been fine.

Alternative Translation: I can’t be bothered developing an actual brief, or I don’t know how and I’m too afraid to ask in case you try to rip me off.

This one is also the responsibility of us writers. We’re not just writers, we’re book-keepers, salespeople, account managers and project managers. A good project manager asks all the right questions BEFORE the project kicks off. They will know their industry backwards and be able to ask about the things a client hadn’t even thought of. If you begin a project with a vague brief, you are asking for trouble – a smart writer only does this once or twice before they develop a list of questions to be answered long before they sit down and open a new document.

And lastly……

Rewriters required. NO PLAGIARISM WILL BE TOLERATED

Translation: I have stolen someone else’s work and I want to make sure Google doesn’t spot it. I am also a hypocrite.

Most clients are good people who just want good work for a fair price. Most writers are good people who just want good work for a fair price. Any chance of getting away from the Job Boards and taking a picnic together? I sure could use a break today.